As a child, I was lucky enough to grow up with one set of grandparents and regularly holiday with the others. Although my grandparents were happy to share details of their childhoods, some were particularly reluctant to answer questions about their families. After years of exploring my family tree and making contacts through events and social media, I’ve learned some of the reasons behind their secrets.

My last surviving grandparent sadly died last year, and now there is no one of that generation left to ask. There is so much I have learned over the years that I wish I could share with my grandparents. My oldest grandparent, Grandpa, died in 1987 when I was ten. He now sits on his mother’s now on the cover of my latest book.

If I could travel back in time, I would ask completely different questions. But, it’s important to remember that talking with any relatives about their lives requires sensitivity and patience.

In this guest post, Lily Harris, a freelance writer focused on family relationships looks at how much we have to learn from our elders and discusses ten questions she feels we should all ask.

10 Questions Everyone Should Ask Their Grandparents

Memories are an important part of our lives. If you are caring for someone with dementia, you will have a keen appreciation for this.

Dementia is now ‘one of the fastest growing conditions in the UK that affects the over 65s and is often the most popular condition people associate with the elderly’, according to Helping Hands Homecare. It is a loved one’s loss of memory which is often most upsetting when there is a diagnosis of dementia; and many families only realise that they have missed out on valuable opportunities to ask their elderly relatives about their lives when it is too late.

Sharing in the experience now of looking through their treasure trove of memories will not only help you to feel closer and more connected, but will also help them to stay in touch with who they have been for as long as possible. Indeed, the Social Care Institute of Excellence has recently published research explaining how the act of reminiscing on the past can be very valuable and therapeutic for people with dementia: ‘[t]ypically, a person with dementia is more able to recall things from many years ago than recent memories, so reminiscence draws on this strength [and] can give people with dementia a sense of competence and confidence through using a skill they still have.’

If you are interested in cultivating a closer connection with your grandparents or elderly loved one, then here are some questions which we think are the most important, to get you started.

1. What’s your earliest memory?
You may be surprised at how far back an elderly person with dementia can remember. Most people with dementia find it satisfying to recall early memories and it is fascinating for us to find out details about the past from someone who lived through it.

2. What were you like as a child?
It’s easy to forget that your grandparents were ever young, and it can be hard to imagine. That is why it is so important to ask about. If they struggle with such an open question, you can try to ask more specific things such as: What did you like to do in your free time? What clothes did you like to wear? What did you like best about school? What did you want to do when you grew up?

3. What were your parents like?
Getting to find out about your great-grandparents is a rare thing, as most people will never meet theirs. Digging deeply into the family history like this can help you to uncover connections, patterns or surprises in your family history which can help you to gain insight into your parent’s lives and your own life too.

4. What were you told about the circumstances of your birth?
It is not uncommon for people to have dramatic or interesting tales about their births, yet – unless you ask – this is unlikely to ever come up in conversation. Finding out about your grandparent’s birth stories (such as birth order) can actually tell you a lot about a person too, according to Psychology Today.

5. Why were you given your name?
Perhaps the name has special significance, or perhaps there is a story attached to it. You might even discover something which inspires you to pass on the legacy of that name to your own child – a far more interesting inheritance than any heirloom.

6. What were you doing at my age?
This can be a powerful thing for you to learn. The answer might be humbling or make you extremely grateful. Either way, this is an important question to ask in order for you to learn about yourself too.

7. What was your favourite job?
Getting in touch with what they were proficient in as a young person or adult will likely bring back many fond memories, and maybe also some funny stories. You might even see some aspects of yourself in them too.

8. What most surprises you about today’s society?
Our grandparents have lived through a rapidly changing society. They have even lived through a time where it was a luxury to have a radio, to a time where toddlers have smartphones. Thus, we can learn a lot from the conclusions they will be able to draw about the direction society has been moving in.

9. Do you have any regrets?
We know the pain of living with regrets, but they can also make great teachers. One of the most beautiful things we can learn from our grandparents is how not to cause the same regrets in our own lives. Just prepare to be surprised by what they tell you.

10. What is the most important advice you can give me about living?
This question is, perhaps, the most powerful: it allows them to reflect on the value they have created in their lives and pass on their pearls of wisdom to you.


References
‘Elderly care’, Helping Hands Home Care, https://www.helpinghandshomecare.co.uk/home-care-services/elderly-care/
‘Reminiscence for people with dementia’, SCIE, https://www.scie.org.uk/dementia/living-with-dementia/keeping-active/reminiscence.asp
‘Does Birth Order Affect Personality?’ Psychology Today, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/singletons/201706/does-birth-order-affect-personality